out of sequence

Your adventures are leading you closer and closer to the abyss. The center cannot endure. The exit portal is slowly closing and you are running out of time. Window for escape will soon be non existent.

As always, this will be prefaced by the statement “I don’t know if I’m hallucinating, going crazy, or it’s actually happening.”” No side gives it more validity than the others. The ethereal plane’s border between itself and my world is quickly erroding. Specific events stand out in my mind: + During the last comedown and sleeping marathon that followed, deep in sleep, my being/soul/essence was brushed/touched/steeped by some form of the pure evil in the universe. I woke up in tears and scared down to the bone. + During my last Dallas excursion, I was walking somewhere in what I remember as being near Northpark Mall. Black Man Mouthpiece walked by in the opposite direction and as we passed one another, out of his mouth came the words: “Watch yourself, lot of (strange/weird) activity up that way” and kept walking his way. Being high, I turned around and yelled @ him: “Police activity?” He turned back to me with a “What?” to which I replied “5. O. You know, the Cops?” Still standing there, he stared at me for a little bit, couple seconds max, then yelled back “I have no idea what you’re talking about, man” turned and walked away. It seems ever since his warning and my continuance in that direction I was headed, things have progressively gotten more weird and more mystical. + Sex & being around Doug was a very mystical experience. Whether it was the medical grade got and CBD oil combo… Or it really happened, I slept with a being that was not totally human. His cock grew to tremendous sizes when it was in me and I truly worshipped him when I was sucking him. He fed off that supplication and appreciated it. He gave me clothes to wear at the end of it…. and I’ve felt oddly protected by them since.

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What do i stand to lose

What is it about this drug and lifestyle that holds my attention? The loss of normal boundaries. The desire to break social norms and the feeling of revelling in that desire. The shift of focus from real world goals and desires to full on cumslut unsatiableness. The continual evasion of reality and hiding my mind and sheltering my soul in a fantasy world.

I could go on and on. The allure is strong and the pull is definitely real. My mind apparently hasn’t given up its fascination with the entire process of using and being used by my bitch, Tina. The last time, when I touched the devil…. or it touched me, I thought that had soured my taste for the entire process. Fuck. I want to get to me rock bottom. I want it to be real, and visceral, and lasting.

What do I stand to lose?

  • My Mother. Her willingness to help me. Her proximity to my being and soul. Her trust in my ability to grow up.
  • More of my teeth. Two down already. A third on its way out.
  • What remains of my health. I’m bad at taking my HIV meds on my best of days. I think it’s been about two months since I last took them. Two months of missed doses, on top of the months (?) during the end of last year. All i do is put meth into my body and barely eat. I don’t work out or put any effort into maintaining my body OR mind.
  • I haven’t owned or driven my own car since… March or April of 2018. It is now February 2020. Going on TWO years now that I’ve been immobile and “self-stuck” in my same situation and location and quickly diminishing playground.
  • I’m 35 and am severely lacking in very important areas of my life. I have $1.06 to my name and no prospects. I’m single and cannot fathom any kind of intimate relationship with another human being. My social skills revolve around drug use and the PNP ifestyle. I’m unemployed and cannot hold down a job for any meaningful length of time.
  • A reasonable perspective on sex and sexual relationships. I’m already at the point where I freak out and have major anxiety over what to do in my “game” prior to sex. How to engage that part of my being without that special starter fluid. It’s been so goddamned long since I travelled that path without enhancements.
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